You're about to embark on a 4,000 word essay about coaching.
I didn't intend it to be this long, but during the writing it was clear that to really "get" coaching you should have an understanding about the various pieces of the puzzle and how they fit together.
The coaching process is "in the zone" or "in flow" when you and your coach share the same view about the core elements. You'll no doubt bump into these ideas as a result of the coaching experience and as you're doing the work in the world.
This essay is meant to prepare a perspective on coaching. To illuminate the ins-and-outs of a coaching partnership, what each party brings to the table, the purpose of coming together as coach and coachee, and the philosophy that supports this unique relationship.
To that end, here are the topics we'll be covering:
- Agency: the fundamental principle of coaching
- Change: coaching and the flow of life
- The three main skills a coach possesses
- The three levels of the coaching container
- When to use assessments, exercises, and teaching
- The six skills to be a successful coachee
- The coaching relationship: it's ebbs, flows, and ends
A quick caveat, and one that highlights the nature of what is often revealed in coaching, is that this essay is a reflection of a moment in time. In the future, my own perspective will likely mature, expand, deepen in some areas, relax in others, mirroring the unfolding of life.
Agency in Executive Coaching: The Fundamental Principle
In order to get the most out of a coaching partnership, you must first understand what professional coaching is and what it isn't.
A coaching relationship can be a powerful catalyst for personal transformation as long as the expectations and intentions are properly laid out at the beginning.
Its open, flexible, and creative format can be off-putting or confusing to people that typically prefer structured programs with goals, milestones, etc.
And because we encounter the "coach" role in many different areas of life, it's easy to assume that professional coaching will operate the same way as a sales coach, sports coach, or fitness coach.
But executive or leadership coaching is different.
If we highlight the "executive" or "leadership" part, not in the sense of working specifically with management, but from the view of cultivating the qualities within ourselves that help us to meet any tough situation with authenticity, skill, and grit, we can reflect those same attributes into the coaching situation itself.
To make a long story short: you're the one in charge here.
This can be a pretty radical approach, it appears to flip the whole thing on its head, and so we should - as coaches say - "ground the assessment" and consider then the implications this orientation has for the other aspects of coaching.
So let's keep this in mind as we begin at the beginning.
Change: Coaching and the Flow of Life
Why do people seek out coaching in the first place? Let take a look at some examples.
One person might seek out coaching because they want a different career. Another may want help from a coach to improve their overall health and fitness.
Some are desperate to change their luck with dating. Others need a hand to pull themselves out of an artistic rut.
Maybe they were given a promotion at work and need to level up their leadership skills. Maybe they lost their job and want to discover a new life purpose that would motivate them differently.
Maybe they want to find or build a community of likeminded peers. Maybe they want to get their life more organized or manage their time better. Maybe they want to find more peace and stillness throughout their day.
There's a vast number of reasons people seek out coaching. Every person is in the middle of a unique story and could potentially focus on any part of their being.
But what's the consistent theme underlying all of them? Change. And what is the one thing that's guaranteed in our lives? Change!
It is not possible to step into the same river twice. We change and our circumstances change.
This fundamental wisdom is the foundation of coaching. A coach is a partner to this change. Someone that walks alongside you in crossing the river.
Let's return now to the idea of agency.
Choosing to work with a coach to embark on a journey of change implies a perspective that is different from other models.
The practice of coaching is built upon the premise that only you can know what is best for your self-development. And that you alone have the power to decide which path you take in order to realize the change you desire.
A coach cannot claim to know what is right for you. A coach cannot choose for you which course of action to take. A coach cannot say "this is the way".
Why? First of all, how could someone with only a microscopic amount of knowledge about you have the confidence to think they know what you need? Even so, how could anyone really believe they know what's best for anyone besides themselves?
More importantly though, the main goal of coaching is to encourage you to step further into your own authority. Regarding how you live your life, fundamentally and ultimately, you are always and forever your own authority.
In contrast, other modalities are built on slightly different premises.
Therapy, with it's reliance on a medical model of diagnosis and treatment, puts the clinician in an elevated position and the patient within a system that aims to "fix" something "wrong", even if that wasn't the intention for seeking therapy.
(I understand it's more nuanced than this and there are many non-pathologizing modalities, but therapy is still oriented around mental "health".)
Consulting, another related field, relies on a model of "expertise" and elevates the consultant as the "one who knows", so that the client can follow the plan and hopefully achieve the results that the consultant predicted.
Paradoxically, your choice to pursue either of the above is exercising your power. Which further reiterates the primacy of agency in your life.
Sometimes as a result of a few coaching sessions, you may decide that you actually need the help of a therapist or consultant.
If you pursue coaching, a skilled coach will guide (and challenge) you to step into your freedom, your power, and your agency.
The Three Main Skills of a Coach
So you might be asking yourself: "What does a coach actually do then? To guide and challenge me?"
A coach that has been trained at a reputable school, and aligns with the principles outlined by the International Coaching Federation, does many things. Let's cover the main ones. Don't overlook their simplicity, as each skill can be cultivated for a lifetime.
A coach asks thoughtful, powerful, challenging questions that invite you to look deeply at yourself and open the door to new perspectives.
The primary tool a coach possesses is a powerful question.
Questions skillfully focus our attention to evoke the resources within ourselves in order to discover our own answers.
Questions require us to confront that which is asked of us. How often are we avoiding the hard questions? What's a hard question you're avoiding now?
Questions can reveal unhelpful assumptions, unconscious patterns, unexamined beliefs, and the many ways we get in our own way.
Questions can inspire us to see ourselves in a new light, to create visions of what's possible, and to give voice to our truth and authenticity.
Good questions usually don't have a "correct" answer, and more often than not generate even deeper questions.
Coaches often invite you to "be with" the question rather than immediately seek a resolution so it can open a space within you for the answer to emerge on it's own time.
Just know that the questions a coach asks are primarily guided by the overall goals and objectives that you present as a coachee. A deep question from out of left field may be interesting to the coach but may not be helpful for you.
The core question that the coach has in mind during the session, and will often ask directly when the conversation seems to be straying off course, is "are we heading in the right direction here? is this helping to get you where you want to go?"
A coach listens actively, empathically, and holistically. This fully present listening is the soil from which insights bloom.
A coach facilitates a trusted space dedicated solely for your self-exploration, self-discovery, and self-actualization.
Everything that's revealed in a coaching session is absolutely confidential and is met with complete attention, acceptance, and allowing.
A coach holds the frame of the conversation so that you can focus on yourself. Where else can you let it all out with someone, without needing to reciprocate?
Being heard in this way can, by itself, relieve some tension your mind or body hold that may be blocking you from achieving your goals or realizing your intentions.
When you're no longer burdened with holding in that energy, you're often invigorated with a lighter, fresh perspective.
Plus, the act of verbally articulating your current challenges, unresolved decisions, complicated situations, etc., can be enough to discover the solution you've been looking for.
By laying everything out for someone else in a way that makes sense for them can help it all make sense for you simultaneously.
Beyond the immediate benefits that an open, impartial listener can provide, mindful listening is able to tune into and pick up the immense amount of information that is communicated in every moment.
The content of the conversation; the tone, posture, and gestures that accompany it; the way in which the communication unfolds; the beliefs, assessments, and worldview that hold everything together; the silences, gaps, and what is unsaid.
A coach's job is to notice, with curiosity and reverence, the full expression of the coachee, so that at each juncture they can mirror back the full range of paths to explore.
Over time, as more and more trust is established, you can invite yourself to go into deeper territory so you can make bigger shifts in your life.
A coach facilitates the structures of accountability within the partnership: the agreements that generate action and results.
A coaching "container" is a creative space that can be shaped and adjusted to fit a wide variety of approaches and objectives.
Therefore it's the coaches role and responsibility to clarify with you what you'd like to accomplish within the partnership.
This typically happens in three different levels. The relationship, the objective, and the individual session. Let's go over each.
First let's consider the level of the relationship.
Consciously designing the coaching relationship allows you to lay a solid foundation on which to build the unique partnership and sets the tone for the coaching experience as a whole.
A coach will ask questions, listen fully, and fashion a shared understanding of what's calling you to coaching, what your expectations are from the experience, and what an ideal coach looks like.
Based on the your answers, a coach can then share their interpretation of the situation and offer ways to work together to get you moving towards your vision.
Sometimes the desires you have as the coachee and the skills the coach possesses don't align. For example, if you're looking for someone with a somatic focus, a coach that specializes in time management may not be the best fit.
If there is a good fit, and you're called to move forward, a coach will typically share a set of agreements that a coachee reviews and signs off before proceeding.
These agreements ensure that both parties are clear about:
- the boundaries of coaching regarding the responsibility for certain outcomes
- the primary motivating factors for coaching and the format for the sessions
- the frequency and length of each session
- to reiterate how the practice differs from other helping modalities.
Next we move onto the level of the objective.
Here we ask the question: "what do you want to accomplish together?"
Big or small, abstract or concrete, external or internal, this is where you imagine what you would like to change, who you would like to become, and commit to taking action on it.
You have a life situation, a present circumstance, with all its complexity and richness, the result of an endless series of prior events, and a vantage point from which you anticipate future outcomes.
From this view you desire to change something about what the future holds which leads you to take action toward your preferred ends as opposed to your current predictions.
The options for what project to take on from this position are essentially endless.
So for many, getting clear on what to actually do is the first objective. This naturally leads the coaching conversations into a self-reflective mood where you may look at your personal values, worldviews, and the forces that motivate and inspire action in you.
Know Thyself is a lifelong project, but periods of focused investigation can help you breakthrough to broader or deeper perspectives that may reveal unforeseen opportunities.
For others, they have a specific outcome they already want to achieve and the coach is there to support and keep things on track. In these instances, when inevitable roadblocks appear along the way, they invite reflection on the inner workings of the situation and your participation in it.
And another pattern often seen in coaching is movement without progress. When there's obvious activity in pursuit of a goal but little to no actual results. Observing patterns like these open the doors into deeper self-inquiry.
Regardless, there needs to be a discussion and agreement on the shape of the outcomes for working together.
Some might want to take things week by week and unravel a new conundrum together each session. Others might want to completely change a huge part of their life, which may take months of dedicated work.
And now to the level of the session.
Each meeting between coach and coachee will be a unique experience.
The topic at hand, the active concerns, the shared mood, the subtle and revealed intentions, the flow of the conversation, the way time unfolds, will all be different, but all with the same fundamental goal in mind, to fully step into the stream of life.
In practical terms the session begins with one of several possible opening questions: "what would be useful to accomplish today?", "how would you like to make use of the time together?", "what would success look like at the end of our meeting?", or "what is today's intention?"
From that prompt, the outline of the session begins to form. What needs to be addressed? In what way? What territory is the focus? How will we explore it?
The coach embodies the role of the guide and co-conspirer, encouraging you to do your best, most authentic work.
Once the shape of the work ahead is clear enough, the coach will invite you step into the stream.
Where do we begin? What options need to be considered? What decisions need to be made? What viewpoints need to be interpreted? What skills need to be developed? What aspects of yourself do you want to explore? What needs to change now so that you change the future?
And also, from another angle, what problems are not really problems at all?
Much of the work seeks to free up mental energy. Every solution is an "aha!" and every insight an "ahh!", unraveling (or cutting through) the mental knots that burden us.
The best strategy for many problems is to simply let them go. "What would change if this wasn't a problem?"
A good way to picture the coaching process is as partnered self-inquiry.
The coach models curiosity, openness, and wonder by offering questions that evoke your highest qualities.
The coach keeps the conversation on track and pauses to reflect when things seem to be going sideways.
The coach keep returning to the agreements, reminding the coachee what they agreed to, referencing the relationship, the goals that were laid out, or the session at hand.
The coach mindfully challenges you to explore new and expansive territory, to have a wider view, or to connect to a deeper place within.
And at a certain point, near the end of session together, the question emerges: "now what?"
If insights were generated, or decisions were made, or plans were formalized, or new viewpoints were embodied, how does is manifest in the world outside?
What actions will you take (or not take) as a result of the conversation?
That's where the change happens.
What about frameworks? Assessments? Skills?
"But shouldn't a coach teach us things? Shouldn't we be doing exercises?"
Teaching and exercises are introduced into a coaching conversation in the form of an "offer".
What's special about an "offer" is that it is an invitation rather than an imposition.
"Would you like my perspective here?"; "Can I share a framework that might be relevant here?"; "Are you open to experiment with an exercise today?"
Implicit in the offer is that you as a coachee can decline it and move in a different direction. And in that sense you're still driving the conversation.
Coaches generally will wait for the right moment to make an offer, ensuring that you access and explore your full capacity before adding anything new to the conversation.
Some coaches will have certifications in different modalities. The skills and exercises taught in those curriculums will likely shape what's in the offer. But also, exercises can come from anywhere and can even be spontaneously generated on the spot.
In some unique cases there might be a big chunk of time dedicated to teaching. If there's specific knowledge the coach possesses that the coachee seeks, they could sort out an agreement to mix teaching and coaching.
It's important to note, the kinds of questions a coach asks will reflect their own frameworks and understanding, which is why one coach might be a better fit than another.
If there's a shared background, experience, or focus between coach and coachee there's naturally going to be more skillful questions and easier empathy in the conversation.
To sum up this section on the three coaching skills: a coach brings their open, trusting, and affirming presence, their authentic, soulful, and bold curiosity, plus their sensitive, creative, and sturdy agreements in service of enabling those seeking change. Sometimes they teach or suggest specific exercises, but always with the coachee in mind.
Six Qualities of a Successful Coachee
So what then does a coachee bring?
Because professional coaching is a relatively new field, it's not obvious how to show up as a coachee in a session or in general.
We have plenty of experience with other occupations. You learn how to be a good patient at a doctor's office. You can navigate the DMV and headaches that accompany it. We know to raise our hand in a classroom setting.
Do we have examples of this kind of coaching relationship to model?
I believe its the coach's job to paint the picture of the ways the coachee can show up and how each way reveals different opportunities within each session.
But there's also common wisdom that we should pass down so that coachees have a sense for the ways of being that will bring them the most benefit in a coaching partnership.
Be intentional with your time; come prepared. In addition to the original intention for coaching as a whole, each session is best served if there's a defined focus that serves as the point of departure. When there's no starting point, the starting point is the search for one, which can consume a large portion of the session time.
Be open to the different kinds of questions the coach is offering. The questions may invite you to consider things you haven't before. Or to take on a new perspective of your situation. Or to try on a way of speaking that may be foreign to you. Being in the mindset of "play" or "experiment" will create some psychological distance so that you can approach the questions with more lightness and curiosity instead of contraction and certainty.
Lean into the hard problems. There's many ways to say it. The obstacle is the way. The poison is the medicine. Coaching is a where you can face your demons and practice embodying your highest self. Avoiding difficult things generally causes suffering. Call forth your courage to look your dragon in the eyes and open your heart.
Do the work between sessions. Coaching is action oriented. Let's practice something and create a routine. Let's try on a different mindset and observe the results. Let's reflect on insights. Let's make new choices. At the end of each coaching session you make a decision if you want to take action as a result of what you explored in the conversation. Commit to action. Commit to change.
Advocate for yourself. As mentioned right at the beginning, you're the one in charge here. That means challenging yourself to be upfront and forward with what you need so that you have a chance to receive it. If you remain passive in the relationship when something isn't working for you, you'll be needlessly suffering with someone who will gladly seek to understand what needs to change so that you can get the coaching you need. That might mean suggesting changes to how you work together. Or asking for a specific style or modality of coaching. Or starting a conversation about whether coaching is still a good fit for you.
Try out a few coaches. As a result of the wide variety of coaching modalities and clients they serve, some coaches will fit more naturally with your needs and wants as a coachee. But also consider what you desire your coach to inspire you towards, maybe that's someone that isn't an obvious match. Ask yourself how you'd like to be challenged or what kind of energy would you like this person to evoke. You'll need to try out a few coaches in your quest.
Finite and Infinite Games: Coaching Edition
One way to view coaching is like a game where you make up the rules together as a team and then modify the rules when you want to play a different kind of game.
This is the classic definition of an infinite game.
The objective of an infinite game is to continue to play the game rather than reach a clear and defined end goal. As a result of this orientation, you need side conversations to sort out the rules along the way.
Conversations about the coaching methods, about the intentions and objectives of coaching, about the results of the coaching work itself, about the interactions in the conversations. All these are valid topics to discuss and negotiate in the course of a coaching partnership so that the format ebbs and flows to the natural developments of your life.
Not to say that you shouldn't have an endpoint of the coaching relationship. Everything ends at some point.
Maybe you accomplished what you set out to do and now you don't have much need for dedicated focus on a big project. Maybe you've developed enough new skills and you'd like to see how far they can take you on your own. Maybe you want to try something different. Maybe it just feels like the right time.
And because I don't want an infinitely long post, this feels like the right time to wrap this all up.
The Coaching Opportunity
The act of seeking out a coach, of being open to help, is a special moment that we must acknowledge. There are many forces in our culture that put pressure on us to "go it alone", to solely shoulder the responsibility to "do the work", etc. And while it is true that, after a certain point, you are in fact radically responsible for your own growth as a human being, it doesn't mean you shouldn't share the journey with a trusted someone.
A coach embodies the role of a guide, and as a witness to your evolution, encouraging you to develop and express the highest version of yourself. Whatever that looks like for you. And in order to get there, co-creates a journey of growth, so that you become the fullest expression of your deepest talents and truths.
Now that we're on the same page on the important points of coaching. Let's see if we can summarize it all and view each point in relation to the whole:
- A coachee seeks out a coach with the intention to create change
- A coach uses their skills of active listening, asking questions, and crafting agreements to co-create a program of coaching to facilitate the change the coachee seeks
- At all times the coachee is encouraged to exercise their agency to realize their goals in the coaching engagement
- In each session the coachee is invited to evoke their highest self from within and to embody the qualities that lead to the change they seek
- A coach acts as a guide, a curious companion to the coachee's journey, reminding them of their goal while being open to the inevitable detours that occur in the unfolding of life
- Each session is a unique adventure guided by the coachee's present need in relation to their goal and other life circumstances
- When appropriate, a coach will offer something: an exercise, an article, a point of view, and acknowledging it as an "offer" the coachee can accept or decline
- As the coaching evolves: the relationship deepens, the circumstances evolve, the objectives of coaching shift... the coach and coachee communicate any changes to the coaching relationship so that it continues to be productive
- The coachee's journey is filled with trials, tribulations, challenges, and celebrations. And when the time is right, the journey together concludes
Final Thoughts
I'm more and more convinced the coaching experience should be a bit challenging.
Maybe this is another way coaching differs from therapeutic models.
How can we challenge ourselves to confidently step into the fullest version of ourselves? To face each "problem", internal or external, with courage and skill?
It will require more strength of character, more motivation, and an expanded conception of what we're capable of.
And we're all capable of more than we can imagine.
Want to discover more of what you're capable of through coaching? Please reach out to schedule a free introductory call.
